The Works of Jonathan Edwards, Volume Two (ix.i.ii): "
Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining, with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; had not so free access to God in prayer as usual of late. O that God would humble me deeply in the dust before him!
I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, who has, I trust, loved me, and given himself for me; and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the God of all grace for special assistance. Where then is boasting? Surely it is excluded, when we think how we are dependent on God for the being and every act of grace. Oh, if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God will, and nothing else; for I never did any thing of myself, but get away from God! My soul will be astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace, when I arrive at the mansions, which the blessed Saviour is gone before to prepare."
This entry from
David Brainerd's Journal sent me into a tailspin for almost a month. I nearly despaired upon reading the first part of the italicized phrase above, since my then-current experience was so similar. At that time I was also reading about Christian's awful time in
Doubting Castle and remembering his brief foray into the
Slough of Despond. On thinking of the key out of the castle, and remembering the steps out of the slough, and after going on to the second part of the italicized phrase above, I was greatly strengthened, and my heart was disposed more fully to lean on the goodness, the love, and the sufficiency of Christ.
