So much has happened in the past month or two that I can't possibly record it all. With the speed of thought being what it is, it's an impossible task. We will spend a portion of (for lack of better expression) eternity just reviewing thoughts, I'd bet. I'm glad I've been journaling like mad lately. Perhaps one day I'll transfer some of the handwritten journal here.

Suffice it to say that the freight train I heard in the distance some 6 months ago is finally in sight. I announced my 'resignation' about two and a half weeks ago. It was unthinkably difficult to stand up there and say those things, and more so to stand there while they stood to their feet and applauded my sorry efforts (and God's evident work). Josh stepped out of the crowd and gave me a great big bear hug. Most of the rest followed.

I will miss them dearly; not that I will no longer be a part of their lives, but because I won't be as much a part of their lives.

From here--Lord willing--I will go to New York with Adam and work on my debt situation until late Spring. Then, as of tonight (this morning), it's on to Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia, PA. There I will work toward my M.Div in Biblical Studies in hopes of teaching at the College level. My co-aim is to spend my summers on the mission field--in the hard places.

Last week I was on vacation in Northern Maine at my parents' camp. I don't know if I've ever had such an amazing time devotionally and spiritually. I suppose I have had higher heights, but this was--by far--the most restful, refreshing, peace-instilling time I've ever had. I read a month's worth of daily bible passages from The Navigator's Discipleship Journal Daily Reading thing. I must've written 6-8 pages per day in my journal. Not to mention the books I finished--nearly 500 pages total. I am thankful to God for that time.

The LORD searched my heart about my motives for ministry, teaching, seminary, missions, moving, study, and celibacy. The latter was particularly revealing and humbling--and relieving. I was honest before the LORD and He graciously granted me peace. If I marry, I marry. If I don't, I don't. Bottom line, it came down to a lack of trust in God, rather than a hunger for Him above all things--as I'd prided myself on thinking (almost as much as I have [and still do, admittedly] pride myself on saying). "Sure I want kids...of course I want a wife. I just want something else more." What a farce! I realized I didn't trust God to lead me how to lead her. I didn't trust Him to work out the details. I didn't trust Him to keep me faithful and interested and loving. I didn't want to be 'found out' by someone getting that close to me--what an utter disappointment she would find! Oh! I couldn't live with that. But it may very well be that I will have to marry to overcome these issues--how ironic! So, fear and pride were (and, in large measure, are still) at the bottom of my pursuit of singleness; not desire.

It was actually a twisted affirmation of all I was declaring to have denied! If there is no great love, there is no great love to give over! If there is no Isaac to lay on the altar, there is less of a cost. To sacrifice a faceless, nameless no-thing is truly an offering far too small. How dare I attempt to get credit for an empty sacrifice! This emperor had no clothes--his garments of celibacy were stained with idolatry! As if they are too precious for me to love and lose for the sake of the cross! How cowardly! How devious! How treasonous and arrogantly deceitful! I have been in such a fog. I know intellectually that singleness is better, and that Christ--undivided--is infinitely better. But my reasons were pagan. Offer something which costs much in theory only, and there is no heartache! And the fear and pride issues can hide behind the skirts of a straw-woman. Rather, a "wood-hay-and-straw-woman" to be burned up on that great day, leaving me with nothing whatsoever!

These issues linger, and only prayer and deep, painful, intimate soul-surgery will do the trick. These idols have deep, cancerous roots; and the blood vessels are wrapped tightly all around. Oh how devious is the self! A master of espionage--master of disguise!

And yet, as I think and write these things, I feel no condemnation--conviction, to be sure--but no condemnation. I feel as though the LORD looks upon me with loving concern; an "I'm concerned, but I'm not going anywhere, child." demeanor; yet with the Word-scapel held at attention in an able and ready hand. I lay here, knowing He will perform a perfect procedure for his name's sake, and He stands over me ready to begin the surgery. There is a peace that He is able to complete what he's begun; that he is able to keep that which I am committing to Him until that great day.

A mere taste. The divine light is painful, and reveals much--but there is peace. And there is (costly) grace to bring me to higher levels of obedience and love to God. Make it so, Lord--make it so.

some (humbling yet hopeful, breaking yet building, comforting yet constraining) thoughts.